I Don’t Own a Scale

I don’t think I’ve ever told you guys this but I do not own a scale. Whether that’s because my mother is honestly obese or because my therapist told my mother to get rid of it when they first discovered my eating issues, I’ve not a clue. All I know is I don’t get to stop on the scale every morning. A lot of people talk about how hard it is to step on the scale and have to go through the day with that number in your head. But for those of you who know what it’s like to not know that number, to be questioning if you went up or down, it’s hell. I weigh myself a few times a week when I go to my aunts. I sneak into her oversized bathroom and step onto her super accurate scale. It reads me the number and I let out a deep breath. I’ve gone down. Being in suspense of what my own body weight is, it really pushes on my anxiety. It drives me mad. What if I haven’t lost anything or gained? I won’t know if I’m supposed to work harder. or What if I’ve lost a lot of weight and I have something to be proud of! or what if my weight gain or lose is so drastic that someone notices and I won’t even know the number on the scale? This is the story in my brain. I speak that I want to get better but I have a nonstop battle in my head about the number on the scale. It’s funny because I’m not small, I’m not even at an average weight. I’m large. I am fat. If my eating issues are as bad as people say, why am I not smaller yet?

Food, Food, Food. Or the lack of it.

bulimia, eating disorders, food, fat, anorexia, sad, fattie, anxiety, Scale, weight

May 31, 2012

2 Comments

Moving Challenge: Day 3

Day 3: Top ten people I’ll miss…

1: Fluffy! She’s not really a people, but honestly? I am going to probably have a hard time sleeping the first few nights.
2: Kayla. Even though sometimes she makes me mad and makes me feel bad about myself, I love her. She’s been my closest friend since 7th grade. Even though I’ve not told her everything about my life, she still knows me better than other people do.
3: Alexis is my other close friend. I’ll miss the random calls and messages talking about random stuff. Though I suppose I’ll still get messages sometimes. (:
4: Lily and Alena. My cousins. God, they should be number one. I’ve talked about this before, and I shouldn’t say this, but Alena and I are closer than Lily and I. Lily is 7 and Alena is 3. Alena is my little monkey. She is attached to me. I really don’t think I’ll be able to say bye to either of them because I won’t want to leave, just because of them.
5: My aunt and uncle. I know my aunt will be sending my gifts and stuff the whole while I’m there and messaging me a bunch but not saying her and my uncle will be odd. I won’t get my lovely shopping trips or get to sit outside and grill with my uncle while we talk about politics.
6: Strubes! Though we don’t see each other a ton anymore (we basically just email and text) not being able to call her up and ask to meet for coffee will suck!
7: Margo, the little girl I use to babysit a lot and now I only babysit for sometimes. She is a sweetheart and I will for sure miss the little bugger.
8: Xavier and his family. Xavier had been the best boyfriend and his family has done so much for me.
9: Angel! Goodness, seeing her and her huge family always is a blast.
10: Aaron. Even though he’s hurt me, I still adore the kid.

Challenges

UK, laura, kayla, fluffy, Alexis, moving, people ill miss, lily, alena, aaron, xavier

May 30, 2012

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Reader Appreciation

Awh! About a month ago I found a wonderful blog that I quickly started to love. It was about things I could relate to but it was still beautiful. This woman was so accepting and kind. It was so genuine and I can say honestly, I’d consider her a friend! Here she is… RecoveringAnorexic.

1. Include the award logo somewhere in your blog.
2. Answer these 10 questions, below, for fun if you want to.
3. Nominate 10 to 12 blogs you enjoy. Or you pick the number.
4. Pay the love forward: Provide your nominee’s link in your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.
5. Pay the love back with gratitude and a link to the blogger(s) who nominated you.

1- what is your favorite color?
Purple for sure! I love it.
2- what is your favorite animal?
Any kind of wild cat. Lions, tigers, cheetahs, leopards, ligers, minx. God they’re all so beautiful.
3- What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?
Black coffee, tea, and Arizona fruit punch all tie for this one!
4- Facebook or Twitter?
Twitter for sure. I love that you can be short and sweet. Facebook just pisses me off to be honest. Though I like looking at everybody’s photos!
5- Favorite pattern?
Polka dots! I love polka dots so much!
6- Do you prefer getting or giving presents?
Am I allowed to say both? I love getting stuff but I also love giving presents. Especially to people I know well and I know it’ll be meaningful to them. (:
7- Favorite number?
85. Don’t ask me why, I don’t have a clue.
8- Favorite day of the week?
I am typical and I love Saturdays. I get shit done and I have time to sit and not deal with school.
9- Favorite flower?
Lilies!
10- What is your passion?
Drawing and writing. I’m a fine arts snob. (:

Nomination time mothafuckas. (;

1: Laura at lostintheplot . My best friend as you all know. I am putting her blog up because even when what I post worries her and she doesn’t want to read, she does. She’s dedicated and I love it. (:
2: Miss Gypsy!! this girl is a doll. She writes and opens up about everything. From her illnesses to her sex life to her doggies to her cutting. She is wonderful and kind. I love her blog. (:
3: Graham at the Bipolar Place is a very informational and yet very fun blog. Graham is like my older brother. We read each others blogs religiously and I think you should, too! (;
4: Living with BPD and I just sort of started speaking. I already love her and her blog check it out.

Sorry, I’d do more people but tagging sucks on my iPod. So if you want any suggestions of good people, ask and I’ll direct you!! X

Challenges

Tag, blogger, appreciation

May 29, 2012

7 Comments

Moving Challenge: Day 2

Day 2: Top ten things I will be happy to get away from…

1: School! Though I do plan on going to some sort of schooling later on in life, to get out of high school will be quite wonderful.
2: The American food. Everything is fast food and fried. I hate it. Plus add living in Wisconsin and being part of a family who eats loads of meat. Just overall the food isn’t always the healthiest.
3: The snow. I do realize they get some snow there, but not three months with snow up to your knees.
4: Polka music. I pray to God I don’t have to hear any polka music while I’m there. I will murder someone.
5: The smell of cow shit when you go out to the country.
6: Rednecks. For those of you don’t know the term redneck see You might be a redneck if… or look up Jeff Foxworthy and you’ll quickly take note as to how half of Wisconsin is.
7: Big loud trucks constantly rev’in their engines. Though I suppose this falls under the redneck category.
8: Superbowl weekends. American football for y’all over seas!
9: All the different American words and some accents. After speaking to Laura and a few of you, I am catching onto the lingo and have taken note as to how stupid I sound..
10: Singing the National Anthem and doing the Pledge of Allegiance in school, at sporting events, and everywhere else. Hows that for patriotism? (;

x

Randomness

May 29, 2012

1 Comment

Rambler Post

This is the last real week of school. Next week Monday is a real class day and then Tuesday and Wednesday are my finals. We have 8 periods in a day and final days get a bit screwy. Tuesday is 2nd hour, 4th hour, 8th hour, and then 6th hour. Wednesday is 1st hour, 3rd hour, 7th hour, and then 5th hour. 5th and 6th hours are at the end because they’re lunch hours for most people  so we can leave early. I only after be here for a total of 3 hours because a lot of my classes’ finals are already being worked on. So Tuesday I have American Lit for 4th hour and math for 6th. I’m moving my math class to 8th hour and then Kayla, Drew (her boyfriend), Aaron, Sara (a mutual friend of the group), Lanke Sr and Jr (both mutual friends of the group), and a few other people are going to the lake to booze it up at the end of the day. Then Wednesday I have AP Psych and I do think that is all. So 5th hour Kayla, Alexis, and Ms. B are going to a Mexican restaurant to say goodbye to Ms. B and just celebrate the beginning of summer. I’m pretty excited. It’s a good way to end the year. But it will be lots of studying for the next week. Ugh, I hate studying and I’m not much good at focusing on stuff like that. I’ve always been told I’m incredibly smart but when it comes to school and actually having to focus on stuff that teachers try to pound in my head? Yeah, I don’t come off as that smart. I do decent enough and all my teachers say I’m smart, but Jesus, I’m really not. I’ve rambled on and on haven’t I? Oops. Sorry dudes. Well I think I’ll keep rambling just because I’m good at that. I hate reading other people’s blogs who put so much into it and actually write about stuff that other people will care about and then you look at mine and its just a bunch of words scrambled on a page that most people wouldn’t even understand. I’m quite a shit writer. Its comical. Ehh, whatever. I should probably put more effort into my blogging. If I blog pretty regularly, it should be decent, aye? Okay I’m done for now. I really need to stop procrastinating and work on my lovely Holocaust final. I’ll be posting some photos soon. xx

Randomness

May 29, 2012

5 Comments

Moving Challenge and Day One

So I’ve been thinking of doing a new challenge and since I’ve been thinking about moving a lot, I figured I’d make my own about moving to the UK. They’ll all be Top Ten… Things

Day 1: …things I’ll miss.
Day 2: …things I’ll be happy to be away from.
Day 3: …people I’ll miss.
Day 4: …people I will not miss at all.
Day 5: …things I want to do while there.
Day 6: …things I want to do before I leave.
Day 7: …things I’ll bring with me.
Day 8: …foods I want to try.
Day 9: …things I want to see.
Day 10: …I want to change about me while I’m there.

Here’s day one!!

Top ten things I’ll miss…

1- My bed! Though I can sleep anywhere, I’m like any other person and I love my bed.
2- All the unique places around here. Belt’s, our famous ice cream shop. Polito’s- our pizza shop. Stuff like that.
3- Circus and fair foods!
4- American holidays like thanksgiving and 4th of July.
5- My town. It’s small but it’s decent, it’ll be odd living somewhere different!
6- I practically have a library in my room, I’ll miss that!
7- Driving. Won’t be doing much of that there, I suppose!
8- American Football games.
9- As weird as this will sound, American politics. It will be weird not having the same laws and leaders.
10- Such random weather. I like not knowing what the weather will be like. One day it can be cold and snowy. The next 95 degrees and sunny as fuck.

That’s a shit list. There are surely different things I’ll miss a lot but I was drawing some blanks! X

Challenges

british, challenge, laura, things'll miss, UK

May 28, 2012

28 Comments

Hackers Gonna Hack

So I thought I had the hacking stuff figured out but apparently there is still someone in my account. They’ve been commenting on posts I comment pretending that it is me. So at the end of each comment I’ll be putting something so y’all know its me writing the comment until I figure this out. I really don’t want to delete this blog and start over if I don’t have to. I do apologize if you get any random comments though. Feel free to delete them. Xx

Borderline, Challenges, drugs and drinks, Food, Food, Food. Or the lack of it., Lexi The..., Randomness, Rants, Recovery, Sex, Sex, Sex. Or the lack of it., Suicide and Mental Illnesses, VLOGS!

Hacking, Wordpress

May 28, 2012

5 Comments

A Year To Go

Today is the graduation ceremony for the seniors. All my friends will get to walk the stage and get their diplomas. They will get to get on with their lives.

I cannot wait for that to be me.

Next year walking across the stage and shaking the principals hand as he hands me my certificate saying I have passed high school will be the beginning of my new life.

It’s a year away but I think about it CONSTANTLY. I’ll just tell you guys all my plans and such. I know, you’re probably thinking you creep, it’s a year from now and you already have all this figured out? Do you even have a life? If you are, shut up. (;

I’ve decided I will be telling my mother before I leave for the UK. I will tell her and request that we make the time memorable before I leave instead of her arguing me to leave, because no matter what anyone says its happening. Hopefully she’ll respect it and let it go without being too horrible.

I plan on staying a week or two after I graduate just to say my goodbyes and go to the last of the parties and do all my favorite things. I want to take lots of pictures and see all my friends.

I don’t think I’ve talked much about this but my anxiety flares up the worst in public places where I don’t know exactly what to do and where to go. I already know that airport will really bother me. Alexis has already said she’ll go with me to the first airport to say her final goodbye and see me off. So I’m rather glad about that.

Surely it will be a long way there. It will be lots of Lexi being impatient and probably writing 639204739202 posts and sending 72919748292 emails. You’ve been warned far in advance!

Once I get there… Well I’m not entirely sure what will happen. Laura and I have already said we’d probably act as if its normal. I think maybe the first night will be odd but for the most part, I think we’ll jump right in. I speak to her more than anyone else in my life. Sometimes I forget that we have never met in person. Once I almost said see you tomorrow to her and I realized that I had never actually been in person with my own best friend. How odd. So I do believe things will fall into place rather quickly if not right away.

When we first made this plan I loved it. But I felt like it was probably just some goofy plan that we wouldn’t go through with. But now? I can’t see my life any other way. We’ve been speaking for around like 6ish months and we’ve got 12 more until we see each other. I think if we’ve made it this far with barely any problems, then we can do a lot more. As long as she doesn’t go all lesbo on me, we’ll be good. Hahhaha! (; just kittens loz.

I’ll shut up now. Graduation just provoked a lot of thinking. (: x

Randomness

graduation, laura, moving, UK

May 27, 2012

6 Comments

Blog Has Been Hacked

Fuck me. I think my blog has been hacked.

I get like 100 notifications a minute and I got an email saying that someone was trying to change my password from an unrecognized account. I have no idea what’s going on. If anyone gets or sees anything strange, please let me know so I can try to and stop it. I’ve messaged WordPress and hopefully it gets figured out. :/

Randomness

blogs, Hacked, hackers, spam

May 26, 2012

6 Comments

The Scary New Lexi

I am becoming a different person. I don’t think I like her and honestly, she scares me.

I’ve crossed over from just purging to major restricting and exercising with my purging. I had only ever dipped my toes into that water but now I am thigh deep and I’m running in deeper.

I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be around anyone. I’m okay with sitting in my room curled up and watching Intervention reruns.

I continue to act fake around people at school and my ‘friends’. On here I’ve become a bitch. Nicole is getting reamed out every chance I get, which isn’t me. Snotty comments get a little piece of my mind. It’s not me. It scares me that I’ve fallen into this.

I’m not really sure what to do. I can either try and get some help and recover. Or I can just wallow in my issues.

But I won’t make my decision today.

Food, Food, Food. Or the lack of it.

anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders, recovery, sick, stupid

May 26, 2012

4 Comments